Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Back in India

I am back in India after being away for quite some time. Different location now, different part of the country and the differences are sizable. The South is wonderful but I find the North more harsh--I have to temper this by stating that the people I have been with and met have been nothing but gracious hosts and warm friends. Indian hospitality in my mind is second to none and I appreciate and am deeply grateful for the kindness of my hosts. I think it is the feel of the city, the differences in wealth that just seem more amplified. Perhaps it's the lack of green in places or the punishing humidity--whose evidence can be found on the buildings all around.

Being away for so long I think I forgot many things, lost the sense of belonging. Felt like when I landed here I saw it for the first time again--albeit the transition was quicker and less severe. I am here for a shorter time, and I think that has influenced my thinking. I know home is closer this time, I know that in a few weeks I'll be back in cool weather with my family. In some ways this lets me push some things away--a kind of denial. My jaw hit the ground when I heard about the salary of my driver and I couldn't help feeling the American/Western guilt about my posh accommodations and relative wealth. I wondered if I really ever got over the disparities when I was here for longer. Did I not see it? Did I get used to it? Did I accept it? Did I lose the senstivity to the humanity in it? Like my realization in the farmland outside of Coimbatore, parents everywhere want the same things for their kids--we feel the same desire to protect them, to provide for them, to care for them. I still feel the pang in my guts as I think about this. It is visceral and then it climbs into your throat and eyes if you continue to think about it. I find it seeping into my mind, keeping my conscience and consciousness going as I try to sleep. Maybe this is why I'm going to graduate school--the belief that something can be done and to choose not to is a form of traitorous selfishness. I had to work to get to this position safety and flexibility but, man, I had a lot of help along the way--things that I was just born with and that had nothing to do with anything I did as an individual. I possess no delusions about this.

This isn't supposed to a rant infused with Western guilt. I am happy to be back, and I am constantly captivated by the energy of my colleagues as well as their openness. I am thrilled by the conversations again and the time made for them. I forgot though how time works here--how you need to travel lightly because things and opportunities can suddenly appear. Maybe this is the intensity and energy that is palpable here. Once an idea is out there it is attacked with vigor and enthusiasm.

It feels good to be back on this page--a connection back to India and some patterns that worked. Time to get back to my work for tomorrow though.

Namaskaram. Peace.