Chennai night--back from dinner with friends, my mind is restless. Listening to Colin Hay and Ben Harper. Time to sort out some things. I think this is the first picture of a person that I've included on this site. It was taken at a pooja and I am ridiculously, deliriously happy in that moment. The man seated next to me is the school's IB coordinator. We had just finished two intense days of meetings, class sessions, trainings and interviews--and I was electrified. Dancing at the pooja was unbelievable--just added to the whole experience. That night as I drove down from the hills and could smell the rain, lotus and jasmine I was physically exhausted and content. All of my senses and my mind felt awake and alive but settled, calm, at peace. Thought about this for some time--during the odd moments of quiet. Lots of incomplete thoughts, some ideas to test out, some dreams and plans potentially... Trying to make sense of all that's happened here, all the conversations, the relationships, the things I've seen.
Yesterday as I was being driven to school I passed a woman standing by the side of the road. She wasn't old but life and the years had taken a toll on her. You could see it in her face and posture--you could almost feel the weight of her cares. Across the street, children played in a school yard. I was struck by the woman's face in this moment of juxtaposition--in the lines the face of the young girl she once was could be seen. Maybe it was her features that jogged my memory--picturing someone from long ago--or maybe it was the longing I thought I saw in her eye as she gazed across the road to the kids running and laughing. In that moment it was pure compassion. Adult life catches us so quickly--and for some kids their childhood is awfully abbreviated--so who are we as teachers to so readily deal out the hard lessons? This woman certainly seemed to have had her share. What about the girl she was? Were people kind? Did anyone see her potential? Can we see the individual not as a mass of behaviors or a piece of our own task-list or fulfillment but as a human being, perhaps even at one point a child who needed to laugh and be accepted and feel competent? The world has so many hard edges, do we add to the number or provide solace? Are we really present in the moment and see the person in front of us as a human being or do we react from what we think we are, all of our concepts of our identities and defenses? Are our responses all about us and our egos as opposed to the situation and what needs to be done? Lots of questions--perhaps there is value in just asking them and reflecting on them without arriving at a set answer. Maybe it really is the question that enlightens and not the answer (paraphrasing Eugene Ionesco).
I know from my own experience that it is so easy to get wrapped up in the urgency of work and to lose sight of what really is important--I've left a swath of wrecked relationships due to my own shortsightedness. Maybe this is the change that India has brought? Finally some clarity--took 12,000 miles to break some cycles and look in the mirror. Picking up and leaving my family back in the states wasn't easy to do and adapting to new culture is both invigorating and frustrating. Living here is not as easy, and I see many people suffering and piecing together a pretty mean existence. However, I am so happy here. When I am with my students I feel exhilarated. It's like I had to leave in order to make contact with what I was really about. Get rid of the old patterns, the institutional routine and relationships to really examine what on earth is really important. Having some great feedback from schools, colleagues and kids hasn't hurt either. I don't really need to prove anything anymore. I found contentment and identity. I can be in this moment fully without attaching any of the baggage that I was carrying around before. I love to compete in triathlon, but I have wondered why I was driven so hard to place. Was it really about proving myself more than the adrenaline rush? Did any of my students care if I was in the top 10 or top 1000? Did it improve anything in my relationships with them as their teacher? Does my daughter care? Will she ever? Does it make me a better dad? My heart feels more at ease now. Krishnamutri wrote to the effect that once you find the true self then work is not work but a clear path of appropriate action. Once the narrative you build for yourself is tamed and you can be in the moment, then you can truly be at peace and do what is necessary with ease. I still want to get my doctorate, but it's not a defining drive or desire for status anymore. Never confuse the moment and what is about with what you think you are all about.
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